Dino Cajic explaining how to deal with advice

Advice is something that people love to give. Whether it’s well intended, or not, you’ll receive it at some point in life (probably at some point today). How we deal with advice is the topic of this article.

There are three types of advice. The first one is where a person truly tries to help you, and that’s the one I’m good with, as you probably are as well. The second type of advice stems from jealousy, control, misinformation, or something else. It’s not really advice: it’s the type of comment that you receive that makes you not want to speak with that person any further. The third type of advice is the advice that you need, but you don’t want to hear.

The Good Advice

There’s really not much to say about this type of advice. Someone suggests something and it’s really good. You accept it, thank the person, and move on. There are people, however, who can’t take any sort of advice, even if it’s beneficial. Those people need to reflect on themselves and get to the root of their real issue. They can take suggestions from the other two categories that we’ll discuss next.

The only thing that I can add to this category, that might not be obvious, is to keep an open mind. Take advice from everyone. A person’s character flaws do not dictate the effectiveness of his or her advice.

I still remember the day that I took advice from a body-builder on how to manage my time better for studying. I started to tell my wife about it, and before I could even finish the sentence, she started laughing. I asked her, “what’s funny?” She said, “that you’re taking advice about studying for Computer Science from that body builder.” I asked her, “how does him being a body-builder matter? Even if he was a criminal, if his advice about studying is good, should I not take it?” It took some time to convince her, but she finally understood it.

I told her, “this is exactly what politicians do. They do ad hominem attacks and try to discredit the person’s ideas based on completely unrelated reasons.”

Now, the advice that I took was not geared towards Computer Science students. The body-builder was speaking with the reporter about his expertise. The reporter asked him “now that you’re an actor, are you still keeping up with your exercise?” He replied, “exercise is something that’s important to me. If it’s that important, I’m going to figure out how to keep up with it. I work out from 4:00am to 6:00am each day.”

I was struggling with finding the time to study. I had a full-time job and had a family of my own. School was important to me. I never felt more at peace than when I was at school. I realized that studying is important to me and that that body builder had great advice. I started getting up at 4:00am and studied to 6:00am each day. It became significantly easier later on once I took on more advice and figured out how to manage my time more effectively.

Advice that’s not really Advice

There is advice that you’ll receive that’s not really advice…it’s an insult in disguise. The person will mask the insult to look like advice, but you’ll easily be able to feel it out since the person usually can’t mask their emotion if it’s not well-intended. I think these insults can best be understood with a few examples.

A Car Story

I have a friend that frequently displays jealous tendencies. He will talk negatively about other people that are more successful than him, or he’ll speak about someone without mentioning one positive trait about that person. Even when you mention something positive about the subject in question, he’ll ignore your statement and move on.

There is a vehicle in my collection that people would consider a “status of wealth,” even though I don’t. He has railed on that vehicle more than anyone in the existence of humanity. I didn’t care since I know the type of person that he is. His insults would be masked as advice by saying something like, “you honestly should sell that car. Get yourself something like *insert his vehicle of choice*. There is a negative stereotype associated with that car. I’m just saying, if I were you, I’d sell it.”

I used to try and make my case on why that car is a great bang-for-the-buck vehicle. He wasn’t having it. So, later I just joined him. Every time he gave me that type of advice, I would double down on it. He got tired of it eventually.

After a few years, the car dropped in value and it was now in his price-range. He started sending me numerous listings for that car. I replied, “no thanks, I already have two.” He said, “I was thinking about buying it.” I waited until I saw him in person before I said to him, “you are forbidden from buying that car. For as much crap as you’ve given me about it, there’s absolutely no way I’m going to let you buy it and let you live it down. End of story.”

He said, “well, then it was out of my price range.” His honest response threw me off-guard. I said, “so you hate cars that you can’t afford?” He simply said “yes.”

I later realized that I mishandled that situation. We have been friends for over 20 years now. I didn’t think that he could be jealous of his close friend like that. I should have stepped back and observed the situation for what it was. I knew that the vehicle was good, so I should have asked myself the question “why is he saying what he’s saying?” There are only a few reasons and jealousy is usually the culprit. A few days later I sent him a couple of listings and said that “it would be cool if he gets one. This way we can be *twinsies*.” He laughed and I could tell that he felt much better about the situation.

A few years passed and he talked me out of buying a car. I wanted the upgraded version and he gave me stats on why I should go with the lesser model. The lesser model just happened to be the one that he was driving, just a few years older. So I bought it and after a year decided to trade it in for the upgraded version. We met up and he said how much “he loves the upgraded version” and “if it was in his price range he would have bought it.” My inner self was screaming “you gave me an entire book on why I shouldn’t buy this car, and now you’re telling me this crap?!” My outer-self, knowing the type of person he was from experience, simply said, “I really can’t tell that much of a difference between this one and my previous one (the one he drives). I feel like they’re about the same. I think I just wasted money to be honest.” He was happy to hear that and spent the next hour telling me why my new car was the right choice.

Job Suggestions

I had gotten to the point that I wanted to change jobs. I’ve spoken about it with one of my friends on a number of occasions. The company that I worked for has so much potential to grow, but the work environment is toxic. One of the owners would rather see the company fail than it succeed without everyone thinking that it was because of him. I’m not kidding. After some time, I realized that there was no moving up in the company, so I made sure to do the things that were necessary to prepare me for my next role.

The company itself had been pretty supportive in allowing me to continue my education, but that’s because they were afraid that I was going to quit. I know I sound like that guy, and I know what you’re thinking, “everyone’s replaceable,” and I agree with you. However, the reason that I said what I said is because the owners are creatures of habit. Hiring anyone new is the one thing that they absolutely loathe. They’ve had people steal from them and those people still work for the company. Why? Because they hate change.

I could write a book on this, but that’s not what the story’s about. The story is about job suggestions.

The conversations between my friend and myself usually go something along these lines:

  • He asks me about work and if I’m looking for a job.
  • I tell him about work and answer yes.
  • He gets frustrated about how they’re handling their company and says “you need to get out of there asap.”
  • Even though his tone turns up my stress-level, I agree with him, and we move on.

So far so good. Everyone has a unique way of communicating, so even though his tone bothers me, I know his intentions are good…or at least I thought they were good.

Before I continue, know that I’ve been a programmer for about 11 years to the point of this story. He’s been in the IT field for about 5 years, not programming.

A few weeks pass and he says, “I think that my company is hiring software developers.” I said, “that’s great.” He takes out his phone and starts going through the jobs. Sure enough, there are a ton of jobs out there, but he keeps focusing on Junior and Entry level programming positions.

I thought it was strange that he kept skipping over the Mid-to-Senior level positions, and even though it irked me, I didn’t say anything. I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

A couple of days later he sends me a few links to books on Amazon. They were all within the same category: introduction to programming books.

The last one was Introduction to JavaScript (JavaScript is a web-based programming language). I finally replied, “you do realize that I’ve been a web-developer for the past 10 years, right?” No response.

The next time we met he asked me if I’ve read the books he sent. I just laughed it off. He wasn’t having it. He asked me “how was I supposed to get a job without getting familiar with those programming languages?” Again, I brushed it off.

He continued to ask me about my job-hunting. I told him my process and the companies that I was applying to. His response was, and I‘m not joking, “From now on, you need to send me a list of all the places that you’re applying to.” I simply said, “you need to relax a little. I think this is starting to affect you more than it’s affecting me.” I quickly changed the subject and never talked to him about work again after that.

Let’s dissect this story a little. The overall message was good: you need to get a new job. However, everything else was just terrible. His tone and his suggestions spoke a completely different story:

I’m better than you. I have more experience than you. You need to listen to what I’m saying.

My younger self would have insulted him mercilessly, but I’ve been reading a lot of “Mindfulness” books lately and they’ve been helping me. Even though I could have insulted him beyond repair, I just let it go. What purpose would it serve to insult him? To force him to think that I’m better than him? We would be in the same position. He can have whatever opinion he wants to have of me.

Needless to say, actions do have consequences. Just like your job, if your friendship is toxic, you may need to start evaluating it as well. I sat down and started reflecting on it. Even though I could have ended the friendship, I decided not to, but I did cut down the frequency of our conversations from about a few times a week to a couple of times a month.

I’m quite well aware that he doesn’t understand why that’s happened, but that’s not my problem anymore. I did sneak the conversation about Mindfulness one time…I hope that he chooses to pursue it.

You should do this with your life

This is a difficult one since it involves the people we’ve been conditioned to listen to our entire lives: our parents. Your parents only mean you well, but they’re still going to be bunched into this category: advice that’s not really advice.

If you have kids, and your kids do something embarrassing, most parents tend to feel a slight embarrassment themselves. It’s only natural. You feel like that individual is an extension of yourself. Your ideas on how they should behave stem from your own internal thoughts and experiences. How many times have you heard your parents say, “I’ve been there. Trust me when I tell you that that’s not going to work.”

There are a few mature ones out there, that think on an entirely different level, and I respect them. Most, however, can’t separate themselves from their kids enough mentally. Let’s see what the heck I’m talking about.

Education…who could have guessed that one. I live in a household where neither of my parents have college degrees, but they both wanted us to get one. Happy to report that both my brother and I have a college degree. However, the end result was far different from the initial pursuit.

I started off with a degree in Biology and a minor in Chemistry (pre-med), as did my brother (but for pre-dental). We both ended up with degrees in Computer Science. It’s not that we weren’t good at those fields, they just didn’t interest us. My parents wanted to see doctors in the family and we heard it every day since before I can even remember.

When the day came that I wanted to change degrees, I remember having a feeling like I was doing something wrong. It was the kind of feeling that you get when you’re breaking the law (I would assume). I remember feeling extreme anxiety on the day that I told my parents that I was going to switch majors. They weren’t too happy with it.

Although they wanted to hide their emotions, they couldn’t.

“Well, I guess you’re going to follow in my footsteps and not finish school,” said my dad.

He reiterated that message all the way to the last couple of semesters of my college degree. After I got my degree, they were happy, but still couldn’t help themselves. “Well, we really thought you wouldn’t finish.”

Let’s evaluate. It would almost seem like my parents don’t believe in me. However, that’s not the case: they don’t believe in themselves. They reflect on their life-experience and transfer their beliefs to me. I’ll tell you how I finally handled this situation after another example.

Cars. You would think that I’m obsessed with cars, and you’d be right. Even though this is something that’s insignificant, I just wanted to demonstrate the power of forced-belief.

I was ready to buy the car of my dreams. I started looking at them but a voice in my head kept saying, “look at that German Luxury vehicle.” I don’t want to mention the brand since I’ve been Ultimately scarred. Why did I think about that German Luxury brand? Because my dad saw it as the status of success. As a side-note, I’m beyond my materialistic pursuit of happiness.

So, I bought it…the German Luxury vehicle. In the 2 years that I owned it, I spent $10,000 on repairs. Not only was it financially draining, it was sucking the soul out of me. It was what my wife said that triggered my transformation from child to individual.

My Wife: “Do you want to go for a drive?”

Me: “No, not really.”

My Wife: “Well then, you need to sell that car. You used to love to drive around for absolutely no reason whatsoever. That car needs to go and you need to get yourself something that you want.”

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m driving this car because it makes my parents happy, not because it makes me happy. I sold that car and got my dream car a couple of days later. A bottomless reservoir of thoughts erupted. I started to think about the amount of times that I’ve done something because it would make my parents happy. This lasted for weeks.

A few months later, my parents were being parents and were giving me advice again. I’ve been waiting for this day. I was snickering and brushing it off purposefully because I knew that it would get them fired up. My dad finally said in a heated voice, “why are you smiling? I’m trying to tell you something and you’re not listening whatsoever. You’re just going to do whatever you want to…like you always do.”

I replied like I’ve never actually replied to my parents, “I’m sorry but all I’ve done my entire life was listen to your advice.” I gave them a few examples, like my education, car choices, etc. I told them that their “advice was engraved in my head. However, I’m an individual and there is absolutely nothing that you can do or say that can change my mind if I don’t want it changed.” That one stung them a little.

I continued, “My wife asked me to give her friend advice about school. After listening to my advice, she changed her outlook towards school. It lasted for about a month. After a month, my wife approached me and asked me to give the same advice to her friend again. I refused. I told her ‘everyone gets one. It is their responsibility to keep going. She is not 12 years old. She is an adult.’

I am telling you now the same thing. I have a nice house, a nice income, I am not in any sort of trouble, and most importantly, I have my own family now. I can make decisions for myself. I don’t suggest that you stop giving me advice. If the advice makes sense, regardless of whom it’s from, I’m going to try to implement it into my life. If it doesn’t, regardless of whom it’s from, I am not.”

The air was tense for the next couple of weeks. They backed off completely for about a couple of months, but resumed after that. From that point on, I just agreed with whatever they said so that I wouldn’t stress them out, but I kept my inner beliefs. I took the advice that suits me, and rejected the one that doesn’t.

The advice that you need, but you don’t want to hear

This is the type of advice that you need to hear, but reject it. Most of the time you reject it because of your own flawed beliefs, but it could be as simple as the tone that it was delivered to you in. I’m sure that there are countless examples where someone’s given me good advice, but I’ve rejected it due to the fact that I can’t see it differently. I do reflect on most conversations though, so I try to minimize that as much as I can.

I know, I know, on to examples.

I’m normally a very calm person. I like things in my life to remain at stress-level 0, even though they escalate quite frequently to level 10. I think it may be because I’m so calm that stress is just attracted to me…to balance out the universe: yin and yang. I’ve uttered the following sentence to my wife a few times, “please change your tone. My anxiety is starting to spike. Although you’re saying something that’s perfectly normal, you’re saying it with a very agitated tone.”

I understand where she gets it from though: her father. My father-in-law is one of the most energetic and proud people I’ve ever met in my life. After reflecting on it for years, I realized that the best approach is to tell him absolutely nothing about myself and just complement everything he does. Our conversations are literally 100% about him each time I see and talk with him. We get along great.

You don’t believe me?

I graduated college and didn’t want to tell them. I asked my wife not to mention anything to them. While we were visiting them, my wife couldn’t hold it in any more and said, “guess who graduated from college?!” My mother-in-law was pretty excited and said her congratulations. After answering the second question, my father-in-law took out his phone and started showing us photos of the latest project he’s working on. I stopped talking and started complementing him.

After 5 minutes, my mother-in-law snapped at him and said, “go sit over there already! I’m trying to hear about the graduation, not your work!” I said a couple of more sentences and that was that.

We’ve reached the topic: advice that I needed to hear that I didn’t want to listen to. My father-in-law wanted to paint our second new house. Even though my wife protested, I told her that he is her father and there was no changing him. What sealed the deal was when I said, “if you can’t set your emotions aside, then think about this. Regardless of how much praise he wants directed towards himself after it’s done, the house will be painted…free of charge.” She couldn’t argue with that.

A couple of weeks later he stopped by and started marveling at his masterpiece again. As he was leaving, he said, “you need to trim these bushes around the house away from the walls.” I said, “okay.” He continued, “I’m not kidding. Go get the trimmer and trim them right now. Got it? This needs to be done today.” I felt like a cartoon character that was about to blow his top. His tone had gone up a few decibels and so did my blood-pressure. My mother-in-law calmed him down again, “it’s his house and he can do whatever he wants.”

As they left, I remember thinking, “there’s no way in hell that I’m going to trim those bushes ever again.” And I stuck to it for about a week. After a week, I was outside doing yard-work and started reflecting on that conversation. My blood-pressure started to go up again. I then realized that he was actually right. The bushes did need to be trimmed. They needed to be trimmed so that they don’t damage the paint and they needed to be trimmed so that the bugs don’t climb from them onto the walls and skip that barrier that you (or your pest-control company) sprayed along the perimeter.

If you’ve ever heard someone say, “you should consider losing some weight” or “you should try to be on time more often,” extract the advice out of those statements. Don’t let the tone of the statement force you into protest. It could be detrimental to your health or beneficial to your success.

It’s difficult to think logically in a stressful situation. If you’re causing me stress, I’m going to cause you stress. That’s how I used to think. I like to take advice differently now. In general, if I notice that the conversation is starting to get stressful, I start separating myself from it. How? I imagine that I’m observing the conversation as a bystander. During that time, I’m evaluating each sentence, facial expression, body position, etc. I can think about it analytically. This causes me to extract the information that I need and to not stress out.

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